My old man has too much time on his hands

Memorize this spot old man! I will bury you here.

I sit on my machine of blood and marrow, and when the madness consumes the earth, i will cut a C-section in the land and tunnel my way into hell, and unleash the storm. From the oil-slick darkness I will open one of my many mouths and sing the song that ends us all.

Who says man kind is to blame for extinction?

Feral cats are solitary and predominantly nocturnal. They spend most of their days in the safety of a shelter. As a man whose spent a lot of time in cat country, this is why I love them. For starters it's a carnivore, and can survive with limited access to water, something they can do by absorbing the moisture from their prey- real DUNE type shit here people.

Then  I read this:

"Feral cats generally eat small mammals, but also catch birds, reptiles, amphibians fish and insects, taking prey up [to] the size of brush-tail possum"

So that means these things can eat a baby. Awesome. But not as awesome as this.

"There is clear evidence that feral cats have had a heavy impact on the island fauna. On Macquarie Island for example, feral cats caused the extinction of a subspecies of the red-fronted parakeet. On the main land they have contributed to the extinction of many small to medium sized mammals and ground-nesting birds in the arid zone... In some instances feral cats have directly threatened the success of recovery programs for endangered species"

OK that can only mean 2 things; 1 cats are fucking awesome. 

And 2nd.

God will kill you if you masturbate.

19 yr. old sluts from mars

I don't do well with the ladies. I spent 3 years of my life alone after I found my fiance fucking another guy. In the end of that 3 years, I'd managed to quit smoking, stop drugs, and most importantly I learned how to put the past away. So I'd thought. I would wake up every morning and run 5 to 7 miles, then I'd go for a bike ride, and try to push out 20 miles on rubber confused legs. Then I'd spend the after noon taking pictures and tagging down battle creek with the coolest person I'd ever met. I graduated with honors from community college, something I said I'd never do. Then she started going down on me. At first it was friendly, but then it evolved into something with feelings. Eventually we were dating.

Then the trial happened. The dude i beat up, was dead and I thought i was to blame. I still do. I feel it every day.This put her in the arms of another dude. A friend of mine. His name was Lee. Lee was like the big brother I never had. But losing her, hurt. A lot. I mean... I've never had any success but to go from being alone to being with someone who was so cool, and really just got me- 

So all head issues aside I move here. I meet this beautiful 19 year old southern bell. She loves X, cocaine, girls, and weed. My ideal woman. We were smoking in the park one day after class. Already we were kinda close to having something happen, but we were just waiting. 2 bike cops pull up. I reach in her purse, and take 1 bag of weed out and add it to mine. She's too cute for jail.

I spend 18 hours in lock up. 18 fucking miserable hours. I have a long essay about the cold cement floors- the abuse- the insanity... when I get out I find her. She has my stuff. I walk her to class, and then my aim is for home. But i tell her this. "I spent 18 hours in jail. 18 long fucking hours sleeping on my shoes for a pillow, and tucking my arms into my shirt for warmth. You want to make me forget the last 18 hours? You want to take that pain away? All I ask, is 1 kiss. Let me kiss the prettiest girl in this city. IT doesn't have to mean anything, but please, 1 kiss? just 1?"

What did she say. "I'm sorry I'm still not over my girlfriend back home. I appreciate what you did for me, but I'm sorry."

Typical. 

And then this happend

no joke, i'm getting paid 3200$ to be in a porn. With a woman. Like, i'm being paid to fuck a gorgeous girl. No joke. All because i put pictures of my dick on yahoo.

(and to think i used to tell girls i was small, because i loved the reaction shot i got when they found out i was lying!)

Oh please come through. I'm having lunch with the producer on friday after class. EAT IT!

Craigs List Woes

If this isn't the most fucking typical aspect of my life. So  I took a friends advice. I put a post up on Craig's list under casual encounters, m4(W). I haven't been with someone since last October, and for Christ sakes those of you who know me, I loved that girl. I did. more then the one I tried to change last names for? Remember that? Anyhow. Within an hour I get 2 emails.

1 from a sex bot advertising another adult dating site where i can get contacted by more bots and engage in fake sex with them for like 3.95 a minute. 

The other

"Hey im a dude, 30 yr old looking to give a straight guy head. I can host. I have straight porn. if your open minded and if you don't have any luck with the ladies let me know. Just looking to suck a nice dick. hey"

Really? I mean really? I know gay boys love me, but goddamn it. Really I'm thinking about killing myself because girls don't know I exist, and the ones that do just love to be my friend sooooo much that hooking up with me would be bad. I should've just stuck to putting on web cam shows for lonely house wives on yahoo.

This got me laid last year (deny all you want miss foxy moxy you know it's the truth)

WHY I HATE HALO (Taken from he archives of the KCC bruin October 07 issue)

For a single male I think I'm breaking some sort of Man-Code. That statement seems to cement a permanent position in the kingdom of wussdom. My complaint with the game could go into a plethora of directions ranging from attacking its producers and platform as a soulless entity embodying everything wrong with capitalism to simply mocking the complications of the mechanics of the game. Truth be told, I have no intent to dive into any of the aforementioned reasons. As for the game mechanics, I actually think the idea of being able to tweak the sensitivity of the analog controlls is ingenuous. However, my reason for downright loathing of this game has to do with the dichotomy it represents to me economic situation.

First of all let me state I absolutely have no gaming prowess in the world of Halo. Every time I engage in the act of playing the game it feels like I'm watching a snuff film. First my little digital incantation is murdered; than subsequently raped by the way of "crouch-humping." The only way I can combat these tragic results is to adhere to the old adage practice makes perfect. But aside from the elusive mystery of time management that seems to befuddle every college student I have several other objections to the process of honing in my Halo skills.

In order to practice, I'd have to buy an XBOX 360. Then, I'd have to buy the game which is an additional 60$. So already I'm in significant debt. From here the strain on my finances continues. Before I can jump on to XBOX-LIVe and pay the subscription fees- I need high speed Internet and a wireless router. In order to get used to the feeling of co-operative group play feature that makes the game so popular, I'd have to buy a headset (also, gay). Once I buy all of that I now suffer the slings and stings from anonymous name calling from the Internet. Now because I'm fragile, the constant barrage of "hahaha total pwonge noob" would literally break my spirit. So before I can even get into XBOX live, I need to practice with actual human counterparts.

The problem here is is, I don't have any friends. So now I'm left with the dubious task of having to buy 3 hookers to play XBOX with me. But they're going to need controllers, so now i have to buy 3 more controllers. So the fine people at Microsoft and Bungie software development expect me to brake the law? Between school expenses and the gas to get to and from said institution- I'm barley able to eat. So my choices are to give up eating entirely, or turn to a life of crime. Since I'm already braking the law by hiring escorts to play video games with me I might as well go the full nine yards and knock over a few banks and liquor stores. Right?

No thanks. I think I'll stick to RPG's and games with zombies, or maybe I'll just say fuck it and go outside and take a walk.

Midwestern Morphine

Clusters of atoms twisting into bits and pieces of positive and negative electrons colliding at the speed of sound. Tonight we'll get away with it. Stutter step up and down a circular stair case. We laugh, we embrace, we breathe.... and we live.

(2 tabs of mescaline later)

We're kings. We're laughing and blacking out. Midwest shotgun cracks against the forest. Screeching noises of red and white elaborate colors, the wind has veins of electric lines. Siren sounds and the serenity of something-ness. We occupy empty air, you, me, the pink and purple teddy bear. The one I drew for you. We named him chomp.

(1 dose of catastrophe)

We're separated. The world is small, and I am lost. The woods are tendrils reaching for me. When you my darling stumble into my nightmare and make it a fantasy. We trip, we fuck, we stumble. Twigs and leaves caught in our hair. Autumn air nipping at our open middles. Fuck safety- I'm coming inside you.

(A morning after pill)

The solace of the 24-hour diner. After dinner comedowns and treats. Greasy spoon and greasy food They don't know how to make hash browns like you do my dear. We don't tip because we don't got any class. We're the ones of ill-repute. Parking lots go sideways, you use me for balance. You're wearing flats, and walking like you have a broken stiletto. We kiss and capital avenue stands still.

(Epilogue)

Vomit stains. Dark brown circles left on upholstery. Nickels and dimes face up and down, are now stuck. Crashing spoons collide with tourniquets. I wrap these around my arm now because of you. China men built railroad tracks down my arm once. A constellation of the star crossed lovers.

it's too bad she won't live, then again i guess no one really does