Make my breakfast bitch

Condoms are the new baseball cards for 20-something college men who refuse to grow up. While we were giggling like girls locked in my bathroom, smoking grass and trading condoms it hit me.

Now I for one fucking HATE condoms. I'm sorry, i love my dick and to me it's like putting a puppy in a sweater... I just hate to see it go, I need to see my dick. I love my dick. Forgive me I'm weird. Second, yes there is a total difference in the feeling. Third, they're expensive and smell funny. Now I realize I can find them on doorknobs and offices (those of you reading this 3rd floor 623 S. Wabash just has bushels of them in fish tanks in the student affairs office). But here's the thing. They make all these fancy rigged gadgets aimed at pleasing a woman. Now first of all let me say this. Dudes who buy Magnums are in my opinion really insecure, or black. Now just because I'm hung like a 5 year old doesn't mean all dudes are; and just because Dustin Diamond (Screech) needed one in that famous Internet porn doesn't mean all Jew-Frowed Frat-Rats need it  either. I digress. The point is they come flavored, they're colored, they're ribbed, they're made from tiger skin or some weird shit like that... But the point I'm driving at here, one condom, does only one thing. Where's the Super-Condom?

I want the mother-fucker that's ribbed, climax controlled, sheep skin, goat-fur, whitens my teeth, vibrates, talks, sings, turns my dick from legendary to epic, and it's Eco-friendly. Oh, and I want it to be black. Where's that condom? Who makes this condom? Can it be made? Who gives a fuck?

Duke

(I'm tough as glass and clean as night)