Conversations that make me laugh and want to kill myself

Ex gf: I told tom

Ex gf: a funny story about how i picked people to be my friends

Ex gf: he asked me

Ex gf: Well when I look at dudes. I always go for the pics to see if they have pathetic excuses for photos of their hairy ass balls in a desperate attempt to get some skanky ass females to hit them up....

if they do and their old... annexed. If they do and their young I add them and then poke fun on my free time. but... if they have a beard... or a belly... and some randomly placed tattoos, then I consider it for a while longer.

Ex gf: Women... if their fat it's automatic so i can look at them and feel better about myself in the dead of night and silent safety that is my white picture less room with nothing but a bed, and a photo of zombie Jesus and the dildo carefully tucked beneath my mattress on the right corner of my bed that's only there as a reminder of I could be doing rather than typing furiously away like a mad scientists at what I call a sorry excuse of a computer...

Ex gf: if their not fat... then I look for a good set of boobs. It's like you said dood, boobs are like pizza and god damn it, no one can fuck up pizza... unless you're pizza hut. Barf* ... sure tastes like they do. in your food.  And if I don't find any of the  following qualities then i usually just go right for the about me section... if they sound intelligent then i usually say what the fuck. add.

Ex gf: i got my priorities straight what about you??

Me: I have a dumb question

Me: and forgive me, because i know this is way out of place... but i have to know

Ex gf:...

Me: When you were here last, the last time we saw each other. Umm trying to get you to go down on me one last time- widely inappropriate, or something you'd consider?

Ex gf:... well you do have a nice dick

Me: esx5deasgoy888888888AXUG789hjk (slamming head into keyboard)